Listening
What did the last person you spoke with actually need — not say, need?
Most conversations fail not because people can't speak, but because nobody is actually listening. AI can transcribe and summarise. Humans can hear the hesitation behind the words, the fear underneath the question, the real ask beneath the stated one.
| Without Listening | With Listening |
|---|---|
| Solve the wrong problem | Solve the felt problem |
| Hear words | Hear meaning |
| Wait to respond | Process to understand |
| Miss the real ask | Surface the hidden need |
Two Modes
| Mode | What It Does | When to Use |
|---|---|---|
| Simple reflection | Stay close to what was said — reflect content, emotion, exact words | Building trust, early in conversation, when they need to feel heard |
| Complex reflection | Go beyond what was said — identify ambivalence, contrast elements, suggest reframes | Coaching, therapy, negotiations, when the surface answer isn't the real one |
Most people never get past simple. Complex reflection is where breakthroughs happen.
What to Listen For
| Layer | What's Happening | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Words | The literal content | "The project is on track" |
| Tone | Emotional temperature | Flat tone saying "fine" = not fine |
| Pace | Confidence or anxiety | Speaking faster when uncomfortable |
| Omissions | What they didn't say | Talked about the team but never mentioned the lead |
| Repetition | What matters most to them | Third time mentioning budget = the real concern |
| Body | Physical signals | Leaning away, crossed arms, eye contact shifts |
The gap between words and tone is where the real information lives.
Reflection Techniques
| Technique | Pattern | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Echo | Repeat exact key words | "You said 'impossible'..." |
| Paraphrase | Restate in your words | "So what you're saying is..." |
| Emotion label | Name what you sense | "It sounds like you're frustrated" |
| Amplify | Overstate slightly (they'll correct toward truth) | "So this is the biggest problem..." "Well, not the biggest, but..." |
| Summary | Synthesize multiple points | "Three things I'm hearing: X, Y, and Z" |
Keep reflective statements about them, not about you. "You" not "I."
Common Failures
| Failure | What It Looks Like | The Fix |
|---|---|---|
| Response planning | Thinking about your reply instead of listening | Notice it. Return to their words. |
| Fix-it mode | Jumping to solutions | "Tell me more" before "Here's what I think" |
| One-upping | "That reminds me of when I..." | Their story, not yours |
| Selective hearing | Only catching what confirms your view | Listen harder for what surprises you |
| Passive silence | Quiet but not engaged | Reflect back to prove you're tracking |
Practice Protocol
- Restate before responding — "What I heard is..." forces processing
- Resist solving — Sometimes being heard IS the solution
- Count to three — After they finish, pause before you speak
- Notice your planning — When you catch yourself scripting, return to their words
- Ask "what do you mean by that?" — Simple. Powerful. Underused.
The Shadow
Passive silence mistaken for listening. Using listening techniques to manipulate. Never committing your own view. Absorbing others' emotions without boundaries.
By Archetype
| Archetype | Listening Style |
|---|---|
| Coach | Listens for potential — what they could become |
| Realist | Listens for truth — what's actually happening |
| Philosopher | Listens for meaning — what's underneath |
Context
- Empathy — Feeling what you're hearing
- Questioning — The other half of conversation
- Selling — Listening qualifies demand
- Decisions — Better input, better output